I am born on 4th September, 1991 at 4:47AM in Mumbai. I have an elder sister and a younger brother(pretty much an unwanted girl child). I am always treated badly by family members, I don’t have any friends either. No matter what I do, I am constantly ridiculed and made to feel insignificant. I have become very bitter and feel this constant emptiness inside me. I am always sad and have terrible thoughts, I wish I didn’t exist or would cease to exist.
Since childhood I have heard that I am constantly wrong, useless and fat, it is literally filled in my brain now and my actions coincide with this information which now feels like a fact. My career has been haphazard too. I have recently started a Youtube Channel and even in that if anything good happens, my brother and parents take all the credit, if anything goes wrong, I am blamed. I am constantly told that I need to lose weight, else people will see me and laugh on Youtube. I don’t show myself on the channel at all, except my hands(I feel very conscious about that too). I generally have a broad structure, shoulders, hands, legs everything and terrible dark circles(probably because of my weak sun??))
I am currently jobless and want to pursue my Youtube Channel Full time. I feel if I do better monetarily and lose weight, they will accept me better?
Will I ever be loved, healthy and successful?
I have been depressed and in a very bad mental state with no one to understand me, let alone help or support me.